Walden Macnair

I'm happy to report that I've finally taken the plunge.

Yes, indeed. After many months of deliberation, I signed myself up for ballroom dancing lessons.

I hear there'll even be a final exhibition performance, if I make it to the end of the class. I don't have delusions of being the finest pupil in attendance, but I expect I'll be able to hold my own. Given some time and some practice, I'll be quite the formidable dance partner, I'm sure.

It's been a couple months, but I'm back from my travels abroad. I had a terrific time consulting with other professionals in my field, gaining valuable experience with creatures not native to our fair isles. Quite an experience!

( Looking into a camera would be like looking into the sun. )

Lovely trip! And as much as I love home, I won't be giving up my "jet-setting" lifestyle any time soon! In a couple short months, I'll be returning to Sweden for this year's Annual Broom Race. I'll be back at the Swedish Short-Snout dragon reservation for the second year in a row, preventing violations of animal safety. I'm back by POPULAR demand, in fact. Or, at least, I was requested specifically.

Guess I haven't missed much while I was away. Nearly everything's exactly the same!

Hello, all you brilliant people who read this! I have a question for you: how do I know if my giant frog pet friend drinking buddy roommate acquaintance is a fire-breathing pyromaniac? Is there a book I can read that might help me tell for sure, and perhaps give advice at staging an intervention?

Thank you for your assistance!

I know that I am practically the face of the esteemed Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, but there are some things even I cannot do. For example!

The crack cocaine addicted squirrels running around London parks are not under my jurisdiction.

As terrifying, sad, and crazed as they may be, they are not magical, and therefore, I cannot do anything about them. Their bloodshot eyes do not qualify them as vampires or what-have-you.

Thank you for your understanding, and let's remember: don't hide illicit drugs by burying them in your gardens, lest squirrels dig them up and start skipping down the dangerous road to addiction. Let me also remind you that this is no laughing matter. Cocaine addicted squirrels are serious business.

What is the name of the only all-musician bar in the United Kingdom? I'm not trying to cheat--I wouldn't do such a thing! I promise. I think I used to know this, though, back when I myself was a musician, but I've since forgotten.

I promise I'm not cheating. Anyway, I already bought lawn tickets, because there's no way I'm missing the Hobgoblins reunion. Do you think they'll still remember how to play all their old songs? I'm sure they'll be rehearsing, but...well, it'd be embarrassing to flub up the lyrics of your own songs during your reunion concert.

Hey, does anyone think trained trolls might come in handy? For you-know-what? They could be diversion or distraction or discussion pieces or something! And they're much better than giant frogs at following directions.

If not, I can return them. No problem.

In light of current events, I thought we might need some encouraging inspiration, and I thought to myself, "Why, I have just the thing!"

So, here is a very exclusive excerpt from my novel in progress upcoming novel, Wallace MacHare, Dragon Man. I'm hoping it'll cheer someone up during these difficult times.

"But Sir MacHare!" cried the fair princess frantically, her bosom heaving in a mixture of lust and distress. "The dragon! It'll kill you! It's so dangerous! Aren't you scared?"

MacHare barely heard the moans of the sweet princess as he stood at the window, staring out at the destruction that the dragon had brought to his humble, innocent village. He shook out his hero's head of raven locks as if shooing away a fly, but he did not answer the princess's question. "I have a job to do," he said confidently.

"Oh, but--Wallace!" The golden-haired princess forgot politeness and manners as she ran to him and pressed her tiny self against his strong, muscular body. "What if you don't come back?"

The feel of the precious princess against him was almost enough to make MacHare change his mind, but he had to ignore his throbbing heart and instead remain firm. Tenderly, he kissed her. Perhaps he was kissing her goodbye. Perhaps he was kissing her for luck. Perhaps he was kissing her because he did not know what he could possibly say to her.

Minutes later, the two lovers broke away breathlessly. "I love you," the darling princess said fiercely, staring up at her true love with tears sparkling in her violet eyes.

He pat her on the arm and went to the door. "Don't keep my dinner warm," he said sadly, and with that, he left his princess, his love, his heart, and his dinner behind, and he went to face the dragon.

Ah. Simpler times, wasn't it?

The news has been depressing lately, hasn't it? Death and disappearances and more death, and so unfortunate, all of it. Wish there was something I could do about those witch attacks, but if the Muggles aren't letting the Minister help, I doubt I could be any use. Maybe we should reclassify Muggles as Dangerous Creatures, and then

It's frightening out there, so if any single witch requires an escort when going from place to place, particularly at night, I'd be happy to provide my company. Just ask!

I have lots of special talents, I'll have you know. LOTS. I can do lots of things. I have a badge for my job, even, and I'm a novelist. I was asked to serve as a referee at this year's Annual Broom Race of Sweden, as you all know. I am highly respected and a talented person.

I just wanted to state that for the public record.

( Private to UPWARS members. )

How horrifically tragic. Tragic, tragic, tragic.

But to change the subject: does anyone have a suggestion for a good book on grammar? I need to brush up so that I can give my words a brush down. Ha!

I think I have writer's block already.

Maybe I shouldn't have had Wallace MacHare slay the dragon and win the heart and hand of the princess (not literally, but metaphorically--"metaphorically" meaning...not literally) all in the first three chapters.

I'm considering inflicting a plague on the peasants. Good idea, bad idea?

And, no, this doesn't warrant an appearance of an Annabelle MacHare.

I think I'm going to write a novel.

What are the sorts of things I should write a novel about? So far, I have that it's about a dragon, and a dashing Scottish dragon handler, and--well, I wouldn't want to give the whole plot away, considering I want people to buy the book. But it'll be good, that I can promise you!

POTENTIAL TITLES
Flaming Tales (because dragons breathe fire, etc.)
Wallace MacHare, Dragon Man (I'm not 100% certain about the name, but that's what I'm working with now)

Hm. I suspect this is going to be a long project.


( Quick OOC note )

Just for the record, it's not the fault of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures if a certain kelpie who resides in Loch Ness insists on splashing about and showing off for Muggles. We've had some very intense negotiations with Nessie before, but she refuses to listen to reason and she's a wily little so-and-so who refuses to stay still long enough to be sedated.

I'm starting to consider it wouldn't be such a bad idea to let our ol' mate Hagrid keep her in the Hogwarts lake. Maybe Nessie and the giant squid can battle it out. That could be fun and educational for the youngsters, don't you think?

Sweden was bloody fantastic. Didn't have to put down a single dragon and didn't witness a single violation, but I still had a good time. I bought a whole herd of Dala Horses, so if you want an authentic Swedish souvenir horse, do let me know! I have to save one for my mother, but other than that, I don't know what I'd do with a bunch of tacky toy horses painted orange.

My armband itches. I'm not complaining, though. Well, maybe just a little.

Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden Sweden. Sweden! Two more weeks! I can't wait.

I'm glad that justice seems to have been meted out, re: appropriate acquittals. The justice system certainly has my stamp of approval.

But in more exciting news, I think I should have a "bon voyage" (only in Swedish, not French) party.

I'm sure justice will be served. Full Faith Macnair, that's me.

Anyone have any recommendations for a good ballroom dancing school? I'd like professional lessons, with the chance to meet some, shall we say, new company? And, well, since my Swedish lessons are going so well--Jag är snyggare naken!--I figured I could spare some of my precious time!

( Private to Death Eaters )

( Private to Anna )

Should be a relaxing weekend, yeah? Yeah.

I really wish people would start acting like the adults they supposedly are. This is just getting ridiculous. Can't we all just get along?

And now, you must excuse me, as I have a meeting to review the danger classification of manticores. Rest assured, I'll be advocating that these beings still retain the Ministry's highest rating for dangerosity dangerousness and are not allowed anywhere near our children, our homes, or our places of business. See? I'm a good citizen. Please do not come after me.

Has anyone used those potions that help you to understand/speak a language over short periods of time? Or translation charms?

I also bought a casetet to play in a Walkedman. It's called "Speak Swedish in 30 Days!" Exclamation point and all! I'm sure it'd be tremendously helpful if I knew how to use a battery.

This is going to be great experience!

Why is no one asking me questions?

I know lots of things, I'll have you know.

Lots.

In fact, you want to know how respected I am for the things I know?

I'll be a referee at this year's Annual Broom Race of Sweden, stationed at the Swedish Short-Snout dragon reservation, so I can make calls concerning violations of animal safety. Ha.

I've never been to Sweden, but it should be fun. I know a lot of things about Sweden, too. In fact, did you know that it's called "the land of the midnight sun"? And that Stockholm was actually built on fourteen islands connected by bridges?

I know, my wealth of knowledge is stunning!